09.25.2003
Some
Personal History
This writing is being done firstly as a reminder to myself of things that I
have tended to lose track of. Secondly this writing is for others who may find
within these words something useful that they can use in their own life. I have
tended in my life to see the world's pains and sufferings. This was probably
because of my upbringing with a mother who saw the world as a threatening place
filled with corruption, lies, and abuse of the planet and of the people on the
planet. My mother was considered mentally ill by the doctors who worked with
her. She felt that she was fine and that it was those who didn't she things
as she did that were the one's that were ill. She would often talk about how
mankind was "raping the Earth" and how I should watch out so that
they don't brainwash me. The world was threat to her and so it became to me,
even though I argued that she was wrong about much of what she said.
Looking back, many of her views were rooted in truth, but were so extreme as
to become untrue. At least in my mind. I did see suffering and abuse in the
world. I see it today. Starvation of children, killing, rape, war, abuse, loneliness
and especially fear, are still present to anyone who is willing to see them.
Drugs and alcoholism are ways that man has used to numb the feelings that such
awareness can often lead to. This awareness has taken it's toll in my life as
well. My own way of dealing with this kind of awareness was to feel that I was
here to make a difference in the world and hopefully feel better about it in
the process. That is, I wanted to change the world so that I could feel better
myself.
This turned out to have it's own problems. It required others to change so that
I could feel better and no one changes, except when they are ready. The only
real solution was to change myself, which has it's own challenges. I seemed
trapped between caring about the world and not caring. Whatever I had in my
life was a constant reminder of what others did not have. I was imprisoned by
my own good fortune. If I did well financially, I felt guilty and unworthy since
there were millions of other just as worthy as me who were living in squalor.
I could not run a business were I would be asked for payment from another who
had less than I. I chose to work in situations that I was salaried and wasn't
directly involved in the revenues of where I worked. I was quite a messed up
guy. Essentially, the world was a messed up place, in my mind, that needed fixing
and though I believed that god existed, I was always wondering what the heck
god had in mind in maintaining such a world.
Now for a guy who believed that god was involved in this world, I had to face
a few important ideas. Either I was wrong and god had abandoned this world,
or god was involved somehow. If god was involved, then either god was insane
or god was not. If god wasn't crazy, then there were many things that I did
not understand. I wrestled with this for most of my life. I had times where
I felt like I must be crazy to be here in this world, because I had come to
believe that I chose to come here. I still believe that part of the equation.
I would vacillate between the world is good and the world is bad, depending
on how my life seemed to be going. When something good would happen, I would
feel blessed. When something bad or seemingly unfair would happen, I would again
question why such things were allowed to be. After all, god can do anything,
right?
So I was the one who's ideas were not settled. Along the way, facing many challenges
in my ideology, I came up with ideas that I found very compelling. They were
arrived at usually during my most difficult times. The ideas were my own and
new to me. They originate within me from my own reasoning. In that way they
were more a part of me than any ideas that I would hear elsewhere, because they
were derived from my own life experience and reasoning. Some of these I'll be
writing about here as I try to express things that I feel I need to remember
and that may be of value to others.